


Sometimes to Stay Alive You Gotta Kill Your Mind

by wowza7 (orphan_account)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Hearing Voices, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurity, M/M, Panic, Panic Attacks, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 01:56:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5315936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/wowza7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler doesn't deserve him. He really doesn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes to Stay Alive You Gotta Kill Your Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: if you are triggered by suicide or thoughts about it please consider cuddling with a stuffed animal and not reading this

Tour has been atrociously exhausting for Tyler. He can feel it in his bones, the way they are always weak and tired. His mind, fatigued, returns to its natural state of insanity when he is left alone. God, it's like high school all over again. Its fucking awful. He would've given up by now if it weren't for Josh.

Damn Josh and his perfect, normal mind. He doesn't seem to hear voices that scream for him to do it, to just kill himself. He doesn't teeter every night when left alone with his thoughts on the edge, the precipice, of death. Josh is goddamn beautiful and fucking normal and it's so incredibly terrible and wonderful all at once. Sometimes Tyler wonders, wonders if it would just be easier to cave to the voices and overdose, or maybe take the kitchen knife and stab it deep in his gut. He wonders these things and then Josh walks in and he holds Tyler in his arms and kisses his temple and whispers that its okay, and that he's here, and that he is his best friend. And Tyler sits there and screams and cries but nothing will move Josh away from him, not a damn thing. 

Sometimes Tyler wonders if he loves Josh. Like real love, not friend love. And then he realizes that Josh doesn't love him, how could he, how could he love someone so broken and scarred and disgusting. How could a perfect person love a disgusting person.

But Josh looks at him sometimes, with a glint in his eye, something that seems like love, and Tyler wonders. He wonders. 

So one night, long after the fans are gone outside the tour bus and its three in the morning and Tyler is slowly fading, tired and broken, he whispers it. "Do you love me?" he whispers, so damn quietly. But Josh isn't there, he's using the bathroom, and a tear falls down Tyler's face. He wipes it away quickly as Josh returns to the couch, snuggling under Tyler's blanket and nestling his head on Tyler's stomach. They sit comfortably in silence for a while, and Tyler looks down at Josh in his lap with his fucking appalling pink hair and his beautiful eyes and his perfect face, and he can't deal with it right now. 

"Good show tonight," Josh mumbles against Tyler's soft stomach. Tyler hums his agreement. "Sometimes, I wonder what the point is in all this, all this touring shit," Josh says quietly. Tyler glances back down at Josh. "And then I see the fans, the guys and the girls and the teens and old people who come to see us and tell us that we are the reason they are still living and I understand." Tyler is quiet for a moment, his stomach rising and falling with each breath and Josh's head following it. 

"Is that crazy?" Josh asks, craning his neck to look up at Tyler.

"Not at all," Tyler says, wishing he could close the space between them and just kiss him goddammit. 

"Is it crazy, then, to say, we have purpose in this world?" Josh asks. "That you have a purpose?" Tyler thinks, rubbing his thumb to his lip. 

"I suppose not," Tyler says, not entirely sure. Of course he has no purpose, those people couldn't give less of a damn about him. 

Josh nestles closer to Tyler and eventually his eyes drift closed. Tyler lets him sleep for a while before gently nudging him awake. "Bunks," he mumbles as Josh sits up, nodding.

Tyler climbs into the bottom bunk as Josh climbs to the top, but Tyler grabs his hand and asks, "Can you stay?" Josh nods sleepily and crawls into the bunk, Tyler following shortly after. They've done this too many times to count. Tyler snuggles his back closer to Josh, who wraps his arm around Tyler's waist. "Goodnight," Tyler whispers.

Tyler is woken by the sound of a curtain being ripped back. Mark is standing by the bunks, raising his eyebrows at Josh and Tyler who could not get any closer to each other. 

"Shut the fuck up Mark," Tyler mutters. Josh is still sleeping, he is a much heavier sleeper than Tyler. Tyler slowly rises out of bed, which somehow still doesn't wake Josh up. A fucking tornado couldn't wake Josh. 

Mark is waiting for him with a bowl of cereal. "Thanks," Tyler mumbles, digging in. 

"When are you two idiots going to realize you are gay for each other?" Mark says. Tyler chokes on his cereal and has to recover for a few minutes before replying.

"I'm telling you this for the thousandth time, Mark, he doesn't like me like that," Tyler says, waving him off. Mark looks like he is about to slit Tyler's throat.

"Listen to me you little shit, do friends cuddle in bed together and kiss each other?" Mark hisses. 

"We don't kiss like-" Tyler starts.

"Oh my god, just because you don't kiss on the lips doesn't mean that you aren't literally fucking dating. Besides-"

"Morning," Josh mumbles sleepily, walking into the room. 

"I gotta go do some stuff," Mark says, waggling his eyebrows at Tyler. Tyler shoots him a dirty glare and he smirks, climbing off the bus.

'Good morning," Tyler says to Josh, setting his bowl aside. God, Tyler hopes he didn't hear Mark and Tyler talking. 

Josh grabs a yogurt and sits next to Tyler unnecessarily even though there is so much room elsewhere. He presses his leg against Tyler's, and Tyler just fucking can't. He looks over at this perfect human being next to him and he feels dirty. Josh is warm and sweet and exactly what Tyler doesn't deserve. Tyler's thoughts are choking him, strangling him. There is no room to breathe and he starts shaking. Josh eyes snap to him immediately and he tosses his yogurt on the table and crouches in front of Tyler.

"Ty, I'm here, don't worry. Breathe, breathe, that's it," he whispers to Tyler. He grabs Tyler's hand and continues whispering encouragement. The voices are yelling, screaming, and Tyler can't take it. He holds his hands over his ears as Josh continues whispering to him. Tyler opens his eyes and he sees Josh clutching his hand, a worried expression on his face, and the voices begin to fade. Tyler gains back his space and his breathing and begins to settle back down. He wants to cry, and he does. Josh wraps his arms around Tyler and presses a kiss to his forehead. "I'm here, Ty," he repeats, wiping away Tyler's tears. 

Once Tyler stops crying, Josh picks up his yogurt and tosses it in the trash, then settles back down next to him. "Wanna talk about it?' Josh offers. Tyler almost shakes his head, but then he does want to talk to Josh. Josh can help him. 

He takes a shaky breath. "It was because of you," he starts. Josh frowns and leans away, but Tyler pulls him back. "That doesn't mean I don't like you, quite the opposite actually." Tyler smiles halfheartedly at Josh, who relaxes slightly. "It's because I feel... I feel like I don't deserve you," Tyler says, looking away as a tear slips from his eyes. His insecurities are back again, haunting him as usual. God, he is fucking terrible. 

A warm hand cups Tyler's chin and turns it. Tyler looks right at Josh, whose eyes are shiny with tears. 

"Listen to me, Tyler. If anyone here doesn't deserve the other, it should be me. You are the most creative, kind, unique, adorable person I've ever met. I don't know what I would possibly do without you. It hurts me to see that you don't realize how amazing and beautiful you are. You save lives, Tyler," Josh finishes, pulling his hands away. "And... I love you."

Tyler looks up, astonished. Josh is blushing and he starts to take it back, "I mean I understand if you don't return it, I was just-"

Tyler leans forward and cuts him off with a kiss, and its more fantastic than he could have imagined. Josh's soft lips are still at first, surprised, but then they move, and the kiss is better than he can believe. When they pull apart, Josh smiles shyly at Tyler. "I've waited so long for that." Tyler smiles softly back. 

"Me too."

And Tyler is whole, at least for now.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed my first messy attempt at writing. I hope I didn't screw up the part about Tyler's anxiety attack. Thank you for reading friends! xoxoxo :)


End file.
